This is written for your understanding of those who struggle with suicidal desires.
Please do not read if you’re easily offended or sensitive to this topic. Yet I wish to broaden the perspective and share a piece of my vulnerability.
The root for this desire is individual, from my perspective it’s either because a person knows too much about this world, about life, about being. A person feels stuck and threatened by a certain situation that seems to have no escape but death.. or it’s that a person has grown to become their own worst enemy. Here I have to refer to those who are ruled by a malefic. That is the Sun, ascendant and/or Moon ruled by Mars or Saturn by it’s most malefic sect.
This is what’s going in my own chart :
ascendant Aries (Mars), Sun in Scorpio (Mars), but Mars is in Scorpio at 29° (crisis) conjunct both Northnode (karma) and Pluto (destruction, death, rebirth), in the 8th house (house of death).
When a person is ruled by a malefic, they themselves become the source of misfortune. To be the creator of pain and despair. But to realize such, is what fuels the desire to disappear. It hurts too much to cope.
Suicidal desires are often not expressed, but if they are, they remain unheard, unnoticed, smothered by ignorance.. However, it’s that often the environment takes this personally, loved ones translate this into not being or doing good enough for the one suffering. But, this is not always the case..
One can traumatize themselves, unconsciously, this is especially the case if a malefic rules the ascendant or if the ascendant ruler is in the 8th house. The way a person can feel useless and pointless by being who they are.
Suicide is a conscious act to kill own consciousness, because something inside our head, has gotten awfully loud.
But nobody can hear it, nobody can feel it, as vivid as the one living through this internal war.
Suicide occurs, because some of us, cannot handle ourselves any longer. The traces of damage that are left behind by the individual themselves, are felt deeply and often the only way out, is to numb the feeling of being alive.
Suicide is an act to escape the overwhelming pain inside.
Often the problem cannot be shared, feeding loneliness, feeding the desire.
It is an awfully lonely path, you can feel death crawling after you. The thought of death becomes realistic, and simultaneously one feels ashamed for having this longing.
Suicidal desire is a fucked up cocktail of guilt, shame, hurt, despair,.. and a bleeding heart.
Nobody can feel it, but the one who suffers.
Depending on the individual will to survive, the reasons to live become so slim, so few.
Until there’s nothing left to live for. That’s when the process truly begins, that’s when it’s often too late.
Throughout my life, i’ve been confronted with death in many different ways.
As a child I was exposed to images of rotting corpses, i’ve also seen those who passed for a last goodbye. I’ve seen and witnessed mothers die, there are people in my life that went through the loss of a loved one, i’ve guided people out of the attempt to commit suicide. And I myself, struggle with suicidal desires since a long while. I’m well known with death in a weird way, so all I want, is to expose the inside of the suicidal brain, for I am still here.
Suicide is a soul’s desire to cut the cord with the physical realm for it causes too much incurable harm to the native. The mind is unable to find a path that suits the nature of the native. Often those who suffer, struggle to fit in. There’s a lot of self loathing involved, the internal dialogue of hate is sharp and vivid. Suicide can be the attempt to set others free from our own bullshit. Some of us are so intense that we cause immense upheaval, tension and pain in the lives of others,
but not consciously, we don’t want any of that, but it happens as a result of who some of us are.
I am a voice, for those that have left the physical sphere, because I am still here..
Suicide is the mark of an unheard voice, unheard pain, silent war.
Almost nothing in the world can change that decision once it’s made.
It’s a continuous fight with the self, in order to stay alive, before the battle is lost.
At some point some of us break, for we cannot bear the heaviness of life on our heart.
Sometimes, we’re too ashamed, too afraid to seek your presence.. The deepest fear of rejection and misunderstanding keeps us stuck in the cycle of life and death, until we no longer stand the pressure of guilt and pain.
The desire to die, is often a result of our consciousness that has gotten too loud. There is no way to escape the power of the brain, than to numb its function, or to kill. It has nothing to do with you, the loved ones. It has all to do with the way we experience life and the self. And sometimes, it is all about who we are, that makes us feel deeply dysfunctional in this world.
It is an emotional experience, to hear kind words of understanding, as you stand on the edge.
None of us want to be alone, but we feel alone.. We feel that we cannot share the darkest pits of our inner misery with anyone, for it’s too morbid, too fucked up, and most of all, we don’t want to be known for hating ourselves, for the failure to recognize our own abilities in this world.
Depression kills, it wounds our motivation to live.