PlutonicDesire

A compilation of sad letters i wrote during a chapter of life, in which i was dying internally,
getting ready to shed my old skin.

My light can only shine, when my darkness is being listened to.
Harmony can not exist when my melancholy isn’t embraced.


October 9th 2019
”The longer i feel that i cannot come home to someone, the more i will tend to hide and isolate. To become absorbed, to become one, with my own aches and wounds, so that i can translate my sweet sadness into all forms of art.”

November 28th 2019
”I don’t know my own meaning within the chaotic wild life of yours.
Am i the human warmth that awaits you to spoon at night,
To only find your absence in the majority of time that we exist,
To be within my sexless life while somewhere, you do love me.
But to never truely feel it whenever our ways cross, while we share the same house.
I feel utterly lonely, i seek your presence, but never can the purity of it be found.
The reason is a stable future, but forgotten is my battle in which i try to embrace you,
come home to you and let my tears flow for the first time.
Because never had i ever found a safe place to rest, to fall, and to be catched.
I pick myself up, because nowhere is nurturing warmth to spot,
nowhere is a place to go with the stories on my heart and mind, i have to digest it all alone.

I wish i could tell you the sadness that follows me, to explain you all things that i am made of..”

January 3rd 2020
”In tears, i await the moment, i can share all these emotional scribbles,
Prior to our time. I am aching to belong..
I am aching to finally sit next to you..
To finally feel your embrace that cuts through my core with warmth.
I am growing for you, now..
I am so desperately longing for our chapter to arrive..
Just.. 2 more years of growing older.
I wish the price of love wasn’t this painful.
I deeply urge to fall asleep against you..
Whoever you may be..
Fuk man,, i hope it’s worth the pain..
i hope it’s worth the entire pain that shapes me.”

April 8th 2020
”By being absent
I actually mean to die temporary

But nobody understands that need
To disappear”

April 8th 2020
”I overcompensate the lighthearted side of me to dilute the intense side of me, While she is drowning and wants to live.”

April 14th 2020
”I will be a forever melancholic wreck that regularly isolates herself until the moment
i can eternally suck my husbands dick. I will be a stingy motherfucker without you fully noticing it.
I will always have a secret life to which i escape when the reality kicks in that i’m once again with the wrong partner
for some mysterious reason. There will always be a sense of sadness in my presence, i will have a tendency to dive deep into failed memories, trying to glorify something that was also not what i wanted, but just for the sake of i want to escape the here and now, because i am sad that i can’t and don’t have soulmerging sex for hours with the man i should marry.

I know my own signs, i know my inner voice speaks loud, but still i ignore the shit out of her,
because i want harmony, so bad… I so deeply.. desire to belong.

To the point i over compromise and put aside my own needs.”

April 20th 2020
”Getting closer to the end.

The purposefully delineated existence of a karmic soulmate relationship.
And my awareness that i want to end this.
because i feel no home within our opposing personalities,
Opposing energies.
I feel pain and discomfort in being around you,
Due to the moments of soft speech and understanding,
That are always completely absent between you and i.
Emotional incompatibility.

Over the course of a few weeks,
The process of detaching myself from you has begun.
I reside near the door that i will close.

Never did i want to hurt you.
And i have always recognized your light.
I gained new perspectives that feed my creative nature
But i have lost warmth in my emotional intensity.
My hunger for closeness died off
Due to the responses being different from what i understand.
Understand as love. 
On a deep level.

There may have been things in which we were able to relate.
But never did we share anything together
Something that belongs to us, and us only.
There has never been anything that creates room..
For real binding of souls.

Thats where i felt the deepest emptiness
Within your kind and naturally nurturing presence”

April 20th 2020
”It’s in the details, that make the whole working.

I appreciate your approach to watch broadly on life
By thinking longterm.
But within your optimism,
You seem to have forgotten 
About the necessity of details”

April 21st 2020
”I painfully love how breaking points balance me.
While my desire for union is the most intense..
Yet the symbolic death & rebirths seem to make me feel more home
in the melancholy i always dreamed of. The shattering loneliness,

I love to reside there.
It helps me to gain strength.. it helps me to learn to love myself.
To be freed of my own tendencies to project the feelings of another onto myself.
As if that was my own.”


I AM …

The shared Philosophy
Intensity within the details
Expressive in my emotions
Unfiltered in my speech

I FEEL …

Sex as the major language of love
Romance under the starry nightsky
Union in harmonic communication

YES
It hurts.
It cuts rather deep.
Because i recognize the light within you.
But i am to intense…
To keep pushing myself down..
To balance..
Just to fit with who you are…

When Moons oppose, there is no emotional compatibility