Dear diary (saturn return,…)

I feel frustrated, isolated and alienated. probably by my own misplaced assumptions.
There is no other way i feel comfortable expressing myself than writing it off, here.
I used to be expressive, shameless, courageous and unfiltered towards the outside world or the public if you will, most of my life.
2020 was one of those years when i was very active on social media, mainly with my art and vulnerability. But now as i’m in my Saturn return, i catch myself falling deeper into a pit of confusion and irritation towards whom i’ve grown into.
I feel uncomfortable to say it out loud, yet i don’t care as it’s my personal truth.. :
There is so much capacity within me, so much passion and drive, so much to offer others on their path, but i can’t seem to get it out. There is so much i want to share and show the outside world, yet i hide behind walls nobody knows. I’m rotting away here and not doing shit to improve other than daily introspection, research and living “off screen”. Deep down it saddens me. Deep down i experience overwhelming failure. The feedback i get from clients gets to me so intensely i could cry out of gratitude, but just as quickly the realization of my own skills dissolve into yet another pit of “i don’t know enough yet, i’m never satisfied and incredibly critical of my own work to the point i could endlessly study as i desire extreme mastery”

Another reason why i feel so stuck, is because there are to many contradicting parts to who i am.
The best example is that i’m a sober person with zero experience and desire of trying drugs, yet i look like i’m a druggy outcast because of my tattoos and piercings, i may look like i belong to the local clan of shitheads that party their existence away. I’m skilled at burping but i’m even more skilled at reading your soul through astrology, my humor is dark and sarcastic yet my vocabulary poetic, vulnerable and confronting. I love entertaining through acting retarded, yet i’m deeply serious and anti social. I love to help people shed their decay, to transform and level up whilst i can pull up a dialect when reading their chart. and so on.
I simply don’t know, how to combine all parts of me, or to put it in other words :
I don’t know.. how to publicly embrace myself without the intense fear of social rejection which has been poking me for a year at this point.
= Saturn is aquarius in 12th house

There are many ideas inside my head, of things i want to do or achieve. The how’s the when’s the where’s.
Luckily one thing i know, is that i desire to pursue a professional life in the virtual spheres, or ‘digital nomad’ as they say. which would than reflect what my MC stands for :
Capricorn MC (that’s why achievement is so important to me and why i’m frustrated)
Saturn in Aquarius (groups, community, online,..)
in 12 (behind the scene, isolated, the less fortunate,..)

I know i want to isolate myself, Hermit lifestyle is how i function best. Yet i also know that human interaction with those in need, those who need help,.. recharges me like nothing else. I’m DEEPLY inspired by ‘misfortune’, intensity, struggles, pain and vulnerability as i’ve lived a life like that myself, but managed to drag my ass through by a philosophic and symbolic outlook onto all events.
It’s funny.. i easily consider and call myself an advocate for vulnerability, yet I’M NOT displaying it as i used to through the sharing of the unfiltered via social media platforms. How the heck did i become so modest.

I want to achieve my astrology work in my unique ways, yet i shut down when i receive messages, it’s only few times i have the courage to take on the task, again.. how could i ever grow into this whilst i’m so passionate about helping others.
Isn’t it very strange, this inner dynamic of conflict i’ve wandered into.
But, i also know that i only really function in my work, when there is a genuine, honest, transparent flow of sharing and communication. i need to feel you and your purest struggles inorder to work (moon conjunct chiron in virgo and 6th house).

I have been cracking my braincells for many months now, trying to figure out HOW i’m going to ‘come out’ into the public with whatever it is i have to offer this world, and those that cross my path in both a personal and professional way.
Saturn return in 12th, it has been painful, psychologically, internally, deeply personally.
All i hope, is that i come out of this rut, with renewed courage to –not give a shit– and display myself as i am, as i always have. Because right now, i feel really anxious to post anything on social media, because interaction feels like it chokes me (saturn in aquarius), yet… when i watch videos, stories, posts of others openly talking about struggles, i’m confronted with what i mentioned at the beginning of this block of ranting text : misplaced assumptions which i’m deeply aware of that they ARE misplaced, yet so embedded into me for no clear reason. That i genuinely know that it’s SO okay, and so appreciated and SO needed by the masses that we are all real, that sharing yourself RAW is okay.
another funny fact.. i used to post a shitton under the name @expressionatelyRaw on instagram..
now, where is my raw expression (in terms of public matters)

Watching others being real, motivates me, but the motivation lasts for so short and i lack the assertiveness to act upon, despite being a strong aries rising with scoprio stellium and lilith in 1st, oh jesus fukking christ..
And on top of that.. transit Jupiter in the 1st house.
well, maybe i’m not expressive in the virtual realm, where i have been wanting to be expressive, but if i shift my perspective, i know i’ve been more ‘out’ in the real world, which has been a major thing i’m overcoming as i’m such a hermit.

Deep down i feel sad.. because i haven’t figured my unique way of walking a professional life. I feel insecure and disappointed as i have not yet reached what i desire, eventhough it’s all about the journey. it’s as if i stumble upon the intense need to structure everything and to have a clear cut plan whilst i fukking hate planning (the virgo moon/6 struggle i assume), i flow and do everything by PURE intuition. planning doesnt work for me.

This is probably not the best advertisement for my talents, my work, my everything. (capricorn MC) but it’s real. And realness counts too, it’s part of being a living and evolving essence within a pile of human flesh.

This pain, this energy i feel, is very similar to watching the people of the outside world, show themselves, be themselves, express themselves, advertise themselves, so shamelessly (saturn return aquariuas means opposite Leo energy). whilst knowing i’m this way too, but not feeling any courage or believe in myself to achieve it my way. I watch the world blossom, while i reside in my own decay, while i feel restless in regards to time, that i want to break free so honestly, but i can’t seem to turn on the engine.
i cant seem to turn on my engine. (saturn square Mars)