Life is an edge play, a lonely understanding of all its facets and dimensions. I’ll be honest with you right away, for I do not wish to please a mainstream image of having my shit together. Knowledge and wisdom are no guarantee for survival, the more you know, the more you’re on the edge, and I genuinely believe it’s one of the reasons some souls choose to leave behind this world. Yet, it will never be the answer and liberation to your despair. Therefore, I know I have to stay and strengthen my endurance.
I came to this earth as a triple 29° soul, and I have never known a life without depression. I float along the stream of intuition and live in aversion from planning, and even more so, from social interaction.. I thrive in solitude, eternally struggling to find the ocean of time from which I can birth my inspiration undisturbed. Ever since I was young, I mourned, for the pace of this world was beyond that of my own.
Left behind and worn down by all I could comprehend, I felt older than my time and still do.
The suffocation of this heavy black cloud could probably be explained by the solar arced planets that traveled to the 29° of the sign next to that of my birth.. The age of turning 30, the age when the planets come back to the innate crisis. Accompanied by transits that are killing me internally, my battle so silently.
Transit Saturn opposing my Moon
Transit Pluto square to my Venus and Jupiter at 29°
The only thing that keeps me alive is a deep knowing that I’m here to finish my projects, I could never die in the truths kept secret and taken to the grave. I’m here to reveal a truth that I struggle to define. A perspective attained by personal experiences.
“I live life with a sense of urgency that most people can’t comprehend” – Marc Bolan
The words of a 29° Mars in the 8th house, just like myself. I was able to relate in unique ways.
The intensity that I’m made of, is the core reason for my absence, the reason why I’m unavailable most of my time, whether virtual or physical.. I’m always somewhat absent and gone, for there is an endless pile of pain waiting to be translated into something constructive. It’s a drive that few understand, I’m motivated by the sorrow, but I need to be given the space to feel, in my own rhythm. A real artist creates from a state of melancholy and understanding, all else is worthless to me. I don’t believe in happy art, it is crap and superficial. I am an intensity seeker by default. Although it serves perspectives of beauty and beyond, it leaves me feeling alienated and hurt.
Every day bears a sense of recovery as the main goal.
I have one dream, that is to be granted the time to fulfill my mission in solitude. To write my life away.. To write to eternity, but it doesn’t pay the bill, yet, for I’m the sloth in a human body, time is irrelevant. Although my birth chart points in the direction of cooperation and being out in the open, in front of others.. I’ll be honest once again, I’m really bad at cooperation for everything is feeling, everything is intuition, and everything is a flow, therefore I’ll always be somewhat of a stubborn partner as I do things in my own way. I’m not at all a perfect human being, but I do know my shadow very well.
There is a sadness in me that I’ve never managed to soothe, as if I reincarnated to cry the tears I did not finish in a faraway past. I’m comfortable with it, a known territory. But a bleeding wound beneath the surface whenever I have to pretend to be wholesome because that’s what the outside world expects.
I am a wandering philosopher, I am the cigarette beneath the night sky on an everlasting quest to decipher the lost languages of the soul. Therefore I penetrate deeper than that of decay. I understand life beyond the physical realm and find myself in seclusion, for my approach will be defined as neglect, I’m nearby but empty, I’m warm yet transcended, I’m a physical shell of nothingness and racing thoughts.
I’ve gone beyond touch, therefore the crashing landing on earth has been the most agonizing journey.
This vehicle of desire, and projection, this fleshy box of satisfaction and sensory overload.
It is a foreign object, so wanted and needed. But I dissociate.
“There is a beauty beyond the physical found in the simplicity of knowing. Transcending sensory perception, averse to the drive of lust, greed and egoism for the immediate satisfaction of a physical hunger too deep” – Eva-Desiree // Plutonicdesire 2015
The way I view desire from the last degree of the sexual sign, is a vision so lonely, for people are driven by validation found in nearness. Don’t get me wrong, I understand like no other, but managed to find value in ways that transcend the contact of skins.
I’m a soul of shattered desire, therefore I became practical as a means to navigate the shit show that I consider life to be, yet I’m inspired. Fearless in the exposure of my wounds for I loathe the perfect, thus I’ll be the last to please a shallowness that’s found in a professional attitude.
I am a living and breathing being of vulnerability, just like you are. I’m still trying to figure my ways to build a career that’s in alignment to my unpredictable emotions, the unexpected flows of depression that can hit me out of a detail. Therefore I often feel low and like a failure, because one cannot define the timing of feeling, and I happen to be dominated by mine.
Writing is a consolation, it has always been that for me. I seek out ways to verbalize horror into poetry and perspective, and find joy in doing so.
I dance on the edge of existence for my carrying capacity has been tested and dominated by depressive episodes that never seem to leave.
Inspired by the whirlwinds, I’ve decided to take on yet another project (lol), to write down the twenty-ninth degree in Astrology, as a guide, a poetic walk through the deeper layers and dimensions of the crisis and inner turmoil. To define from personal place of understanding, for I’ve walked this path myself. I figured there is a serious lack of understanding, or things that are left unexplained but to be accepted for what it is.
Love & Light, be inspired by the night.